Don’t like your memories? Change them.

Having suffered from polio, Milton Erickson canoed around America.
He discovered the power of making memories.
Learn how you too can benefit from these ideas.

Don’t like your memories? Change them.

Does an incident from your past dictate your life? 

In my personal experience, some very negative events have over shrouded my life. But when I look at it on paper, and calculate the amount of time the events actually took, I realised something shocking. These events that lasted days or hours, had an influence on years of my life. But this is the snag, the events had happened! They weren’t happening. I didn’t actually have to be affected by them anymore. But how can hour long, day long or even month long events keep you pinned down for years? 

The answer is they don’t, but the memory of them do.

Imagine if you saw a terrible film, but then kept pressing play again and again. That would not be constructive, however with our own memories we do this all the time. This might be called ruminating for some. It is unhelpful for everyone.

So someone did something bad to you? Can you do something about it? If so take action, but if you can’t do anything, recycling the event and consequences of it only punishes yourself.

Hypnosis can help improve someone’s recollection, but something fascinating was discovered in a terrible way. Adults who some hypnotherapists believed had experienced childhood trauma were regressed back in time to find what these incidents might be. In one case, a daughter was induced into hypnosis and with the therapists guidance started to reveal stories of abuse from her father. She had no conscious memory of this, but the sessions were recorded, and when the girl heard them played back, she became certain it was true. She stopped talking to her father, and decided to warn her sister. Did her father abuse them both? The only way they believed they could find out, was if the other daughter tried hypnosis. She did so, and sure enough, in trance memories of abuse surfaced. They both were certain, and contacted the authorities.

Pressure testing the stories however, meant that whilst the trauma induced by remembering these events was very real, it was proven that they could not have taken place. More alarmingly, when the recordings were examined by other professionals, they realised the therapist had not been asking “What happened, when did this happen?” etc, but “He touched you, didn’t he?” This generated a memory, but did not reveal one. In fact, a scenario was presented to the subjects, which they began to agree with, rather than a solid question being asked and an internal search being conducted.

Hypnosis can be very useful in memory recall, helping people find lost things, but it is very difficult to determine the accuracy of memories if there is no outside proof. For example, if you lost your car keys, and then were hypnotised to relax and remember, and you then found the keys, this is provable. But if the hypnotherapist says, “You lost them because you were stressed weren’t you?” that is an opinion, and a generalisation, dressed basically as an instruction. The subject may well agree, but it doesn’t make it true. It might be the subject had just forgotten. This is called adding a narrative.

But there is an amazing power in narratives. For all the damage they have done with what is now known as false memory syndrome (FMS), it has been realised for a long time this same phenomena can have a positive outcome. Milton Erickson used the insertion of a false memory, for people who didn’t have much worth remembering. Imagine living in a cult, living in an abusive environment or an ultra religious household where you don’t seem to celebrate a second of your life. Then for some reason you are thrust into the real world, where you are chained by your past expectations.

One could grow up and become very bitter and sad because of what they did not have. But such clients of Erickson’s were given therapy where they were taken back in time and introduced to someone with names such as The February Man, or The November Man. This was a good man, who would visit them one month a year when they grew up. He would treat them kindly and give them something nice to remember. This had tremendous results in making the clients’ life worthwhile in the present.

False memory syndrome has also been experimented with in breaking habits. As habits become like reflexes, hypnosis was used to introduce a pattern break for these reflexes, such as over eating. A memory of over eating and being sick was given to people who were obese, and it seemed to strongly disassociate them from the pleasure of over eating.

Now, I would never suggest to try and forget something bad. However, I would suggest to stop replaying it, when there is no benefit to it, in the same way you are aware a movie sucks, and you no longer put it in the DVD player. You might even ditch the mental DVD and never watch it again! You still know the basic outline of the story, but don’t have to endure it.

In the same way I would never suggest deluding yourself, I would suggest that if you didn’t like the screen saver on your computer, you changed it! Change the radio station if you don’t like it. Harmless positive memories are like nice background music. You don’t have to believe they actually happened, but they are pleasant!

The reason why this is important is that our past expectations affect our future actions. So if we can override our negative past experiences, we can make it more likely good things happen in the future. Here is an example from my life.

When I was 9, it was 1994 and I was in France. I was trying to learn “Parlez-vous Anglais?” to ask the shop assistant how much the lollies were I wanted. It was the only bit of French I had been trying to learn, but I wanted to learn to show respect and try. It hadn’t crossed my mind what would happen in the person said no, but my mum assured me most people working in holiday camps would speak English. I went into the shop, and I took the lollies. I vividly remember hoping no one stood behind me so they wouldn’t hear if I made a mistake. Someone stood behind me. The young lady assistant broke my pattern, she said something to me first! In French. I had no idea what she said. I didn’t know what to do. I said “Parlez...” I went blank. The young lady assistant looked at me. I repeated, “Parlez...” then I started to go red, I couldn’t breathe. The girl said “You want to speak English?” Instead of saying yes, I started crying. I was so annoyed I couldn’t have remembered the French, I had no option but to runaway.

Now considering I had wanted to show respect, running away leaving the lollies on the counter didn’t help. But changing that memory, I imagine myself walking in confidently, picking up the lollies and having a little note in my hand with the translation in French for, “I am sorry, my French isn’t good, do you speak English?” and reading it to the girl. Enchanted by my attempts, the girl says “Of course I speak English, ‘ow adorable you try. It was 100 francs but for you it is 50. ‘Ave a nice day!” then sharing my lollies with the people in my tent, not the reality of explaining why I had no lollies to perplexed expressions of those around me.

I am now fluent in Swedish and speak passable German, should I need to talk to someone who didn't speak English. I nearly gave up on languages thinking I could not learn them, but I changed my perspective. I simply used the wrong strategy for that French experience. When I go to France now, I will speak as much French as possible, and I don't mind if I make mistakes. It helps me learn!

If you have had a bad experience which made you think "I can't do this/that", then consider whether or not it was your strategy then that affected things, not you.

If you wish to change your memories to aid your future life, here are some tips.

Stopping Habits
If you wish to stop a habit, imagine yourself doing the habit to a massive excess. Imagine all the terrible things that are associated with this, and then amplify that by making the colours in your memory more intense and real, the scents, the sounds, the feel. If you are taking part in a negative habit, you must be to some extent switching off, disassociating from the reality of this bad habit. This will help you stop the disassociation! If you do this habit in private, imagine doing it with an audience. If you smoke, imagine the audience is someone who should not be around cigarettes, like children or people with breathing difficulties. Feel the guilt and shame. Think, “If I say yes to this habit, what do I say no to?” such as the ability to walk up stairs, run or even fresh breath.

Feeling Better About the Past
If you want to feel better about the past, this is a simple exercise. Imagine yourself when you were one. Imagine being taken around a park, perhaps at a fete, and everyone wanting to hold you, treat you and make you laugh. Imagine your laugh making other people laugh. When you are two, imagine the same thing. Carry this on until you are an age when you can do something of your own volition. Imagine doing this thing really well, with the support of friends or family. It might even be something that had gone wrong. For example, I crashed a mini motorbike into a barb wire fence when I was about seven. I imagine this experience going quite differently, and riding the motorbike properly with skill. Then imagine once a year, someone kind, a guardian angel if you will, coming to you and helping you improve your life. This person gives you everything you feel you missed.

Starting Habits
Imagine the habit you wish to acquire. Imagine that you have been doing this thing for a much longer time, perhaps from since you were a child. Imagine picking up this skill so it becomes as simple as walking. Imagine there is a time line in your life, and that you go along this line and insert wonderful experiences of this skill into these times of your life. Like yourself for doing something well! This self esteem will help you reward yourself in the same way you seek to make others you like happy.

If you want to improve your memories, contact evan@cirencester-scene.co.uk

See a bit about the February Man! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eZpV9ogKgfw

Hear the great man speak himself here (Erickson suffered from Polio and this caused difficulty with his speech)   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORyNxBvvZyc